Hey Tumblr! 4 years later.
It seems that every time I come back and remember that I have a tumblr account (and was quite obsessed with it) is when I do a check in. My last post was FOUR, that’s right people, four years ago. What was I doing four years ago? Right now, it’s 2020 which makes the last time I posted 2016.
I was in my Junior year of University! Probably living life, not really thinking about the future (which is now!)… okay, maybe thinking about the future but definitely focused on her classes, and seeking ways to not go crazy over the requirements she had to push through. Sticking my head into my readings in the library, and overall just enjoying and looking forward to graduate! I graduated in April of 2017. Fun times!
Fast forward to now, 2020. Sher, you are 22, unemployed (well, you were until you resigned in time with the COVID-19 outbreak), and just living life one day at a time. This year, or rather end of 2019, I realized that a lot can transpire in one year. It had me thinking back to when I was a student and all the times I didn’t realize my life would come to this. It truly was a simpler time, but heck, I guess the past is/always was simpler than the now.
Nothing much has changed. That phrase kind of scares me… that nothing much has changed. But nothing really has. In terms of my environment, it’s still the same. The house in the Philippines is still the same; no renovations made, no home improvements, same furniture in the room (though a little more organized to how it was years ago!). Though we move forward with the times, there are some things that remain constant.
2020 is a big plot twist, as it has been ever since it has started. I had a really strong feeling of needing to CHANGE a lot of things. Right now I’m thinking of adding a desk in my room, and a new drawer to finally get rid of the ugly plastic cabinet system I got going on. I finally am sticking to workouts that is working wonders that it is inspiring me to keep going, I have a routine; whereas before I kind of just went with it. This year, I am a lot more mindful of where I am at in life, and finally taking things in my own hands.
Perhaps all these years of having moved to the Philippines, I feel like everything around me I had no control. My moving here, I realize has left quite a scar that is still healing, and I am doing my best to create a plan or think about ways on how to make it better. From that, I have deduced that I will move back to Canada soon, go back to school to be exposed in the field of social work (or work that involves Youth/Adolescents), get my Master’s degree, and start living the life I was meant to live. That is my way to heal, I realize, and if that’s not where I am meant to be, then so be it, at least I got to say a proper goodbye.
This has turned quite melancholy. Hmm, ever since last year, I started to write my thoughts a lot more in a ‘legit’ journal. I have invested in Moleskine journals; whereas in previous years (I started in around 2017 or 2016?) I would just use these small pocket journals from Victoria Journals, which served its purpose but the paper was not satisfactory. It costs me 1200 pesos, which translates roughly at about CAD 30. I figured, since I am writing a lot more, it’s an area in my life that I am willing to invest in, plus it brings me such joy.
I love that I have gotten back to my love of writing. I remember so clearly a time in University when I’d gotten really sad, but didn’t really acknowledge it?, that I was not in touch with the hobbies I loved before; hobbies that were so dear to me and ones that made me who I am. These are (primarily); reading and writing. I used to be such a bibliophile. I reckon, with how fast life went, having swept me off my feet, I kind of lost touch of the things I really enjoyed and threw myself into the work that required my attention, such as: school, organizations, and doing well in my presentations, among other things. If I could take time back, I would really have embraced reading more, and documented much of my university years, especially when it started.
Come to think of it, I think I had associated writing as something negative. When I was younger, I had a lot of pent up anger and frustration. I was the type of person that would have such a happy persona, but deep down, very miserable. It was very personal, and I didn’t really see the point of having to share with my peers the struggles I was going through, so I poured it all out on paper. Man, if you read my journals before! Full of hate, aggression, and just darkness. I remember throwing out that journal because I said to myself, this isn’t who you are - this was when I was throwing things out since we had to move to the Philippines.
Any who, I feel like I shared a lot already? I hope I get to do a lot more check-ins on here. I’m not even sure if people follow this page, but this is just dear to my heart since I spent a significant amount of my childhood nursing this blog. Maybe I’ll transform it more to my writings… a second blog, I suppose, since I have my blogspot blog that I am contributing in (for brighter days).
Until next time!
xo,
Sher
